The good and the bad...

So, I haven't posted lately and I thought it was just because I didn't have much to say, but really it is because I have a lot to say but that it feels negative so I didn't want to say it. So this is going to be the good and the bad series to let you all know where I am in my life right now.

I am feeling incredibly stuck. When I evaluate my life and think about where I am and how far I have come the one thing that is holding me back right now is my job. It is incredibly frustrating for me to know that I worked so hard and completed a masters program only to get nowhere with it. I don't know how many positions I can actually apply for and how many times I can be turned down. I need a change and goal is to have that change in place by the end of the year.

When I think about this process I am going through I can't help but think of a good friend of mine and the changes she has made in her life and leaps and bounds and risks she took to make herself happy. I try to think to myself what those changes would look like for me and the steps I would need to take to get where I want to be in life.

Now if I can just back up a bit, I am not by any means misearble in every aspect of my life. I am completely and entirely happy with my home life. I have a great husband and an adorable daughter. I couldn't be more happy in that aspect. When I think about the time I spend at work though and the hours that I work and how that cuts into the quality time that I spend with my family it can get me real depressed and real quick. I currently work each day from 10am-6:30pm. There is a rare exception when I will get an earlier or later shift, but for the most part those are the hours I work. I have found that I have gotten real stuck in routines with this schedule and while routines are good for children I feel that it is leading to the monotany of my life and if anyone has ever seen the movie Groundhog's Day with Bill Murray that is what I feel my days are - the same over and over and over only to be interruped by a blissful 2 day weekend that goes all too fast.

In the morning we get up, I get my daughter breakfast, I get myself ready for work, I pick out clothes for both me and her, we get dressed, I pack my lunch (if we have food in the fridge) and then it's time to drop her off at daycare. I go to work. My husband picks her up from daycare and then I don't get home from work until about 7pm. As soon as I get home it goes into the evening routine of feeding my daughter dinner, giving her a bath, cleaning myself up and getting ready for bed and then before we know it it's bedtime and another day is gone. I'm also not under the illusion that I am the only person that deals with this. This is the way life has become and I wish we could get back to the old fashioned family values lifestyle. Now all people seem to do is GO-GO-GO!

Last night I came to the realization that I rarely ever get quality play time with my daughter and that made me really sad. I engage with my daughter all of the time, but I don't get that quality play time. I told my husband about this last night and he said, "I play with her every night after daycare until you get home". I told him that made me very happy, and it does, but at the same time it made me a little sad because I wished I could spend time and play with her and read to her more.

I do get time on the weekends to do fun things with her and I feel like that is why I am kind of selfish about my weekends as well. I hate when people make plans for me and fill my weekends up with activities that I would rather not partake in. I have tried to be more forward about this and have declined many invites to do things that I really would rather not be doing with my precious time off of work. I feel that reading the book "Enough Already!" by Peter Walsh that I previously mentioned in my blog has been very helpful with this. The author talks about decluttering your relationships and emotional baggage. I need to learn to be more selfish of my time, but in a good way. I will still do things with my husband's family because I know it is important to him and I know it is important for my daughter to develop a relationship with her grandparents. I know when to say no though and create healthy boundaries because I don't need to spend every weekend with them, but I need to spend some weekends with them. I also need to try and spend more time with my family. It is not fair that just because they live further away than his family that we should see them less. This is something I am currently working on.

So how do I deal with this dilema and handle the stress that I feel on a daily basis? Mostly in negative ways. I eat un-healthy foods for comfort. I feel that if I have to at least be at work and away from my daughter that the day will be better if I eat something that is terrible for me, but tastes great. This morning I literally looked into the fridge to get something for lunch and I said out loud, "yep, this is going to be a 2 coke day" and I grabbed 2 cans of pop and closed the fridge. I have been trying to drink only 1 can of pop a day, but I knew after the morning I had that I would need that extra kick to keep me going today.

Another way I deal with it is to vent. I feel that lately I have been incredibly negative at work and I try to keep it to myself as I don't want to affect my co-worker's moods, but sometimes my attitude leaks out. I don't like when I have so much anger and negative energy inside of me. I try to get to a better place when I feel the negativity setting in. One thing that I have found can be helpful is to listen to Christian music. I have some favorite religious songs and I have saved them to my favorites on my YouTube account. I find that if I can listen to them my perspective on life can change and I get a sense of calm come over me and I can let things go and move on. Now when I am at a horrible place emotionally this does not always work so I don't even "go there" with the music because I know it will be a failed attempt.

So what all of this has taught me is that yes, I do have a lot of work to do with decluttering my physical space and home. But also I have a lot of work to do with decluttering my emotional space as well.

On a happier note my husband has totally stepped up and helped me out immensley with my cleaning project. I'm proud to say that we are about 90% ready for our daughter's birthday now! We have almost entirely cleared out the room we have been working on. And I was so happy because I didn't even have to remind or beg my husband to go thorugh his stuff. He just took initiative and worked on it for one Saturday and a few weeknights. It looks so much better than the junky stoarge pit it had become. I'm very excited that we will be able to host her 1st birthday party at our very own house!!! I do have pictures of the progress and I promise to put them up for you all to see soon!

I also have ordered some of her birthday supplies and I bought a really cute cake pan last night at Hobby Lobby with a 40% of coupon! I will keep the theme a surprise until the invites go out.

I will stop here since I have been trying to post this all day. But more soon my lovely readers!